Jerry, you need to find god
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
