I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
