You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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