So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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