Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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