I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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