You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
