just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
