Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
