I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
