I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
