and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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