I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
