Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
