literally had 100 drinks last night.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
