someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
