Your face is a jimmy john
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
