Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
