The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
