Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize