I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
