A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
