apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The Olympian is in my bed
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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