We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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