I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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