I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize