If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
