sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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