Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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