i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
