The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
