i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
