her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
