I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
