Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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