I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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