When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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