HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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