I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
