Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
