I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
only if we run a train.
done.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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