i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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