Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
