It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
