I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
