Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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