If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he puts the penis in happiness.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The uberlube is also flammable
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
