My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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