Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
