Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
