My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
