just tell him i said nine months
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
