Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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